I lost myself, again.


Have you ever been in a situation where you don’t feel good enough? 
You don’t worth anything. You lost direction in your life and you’re at the weakest point of your life? Have you ever felt that?


I’m feeling it right now. I feel like I don’t know anything about myself. 
I don’t know what am I good at, what are my strengths? 
I’m 22 but I don’t feel like I’ve proven my worth, I haven’t used everything I have to live my life to the fullest. What does it mean by ‘live your life’ tbh? Idk. 
I don’t know what I want to achieve, I feel like I’m never good enough. 

Do I even have any potential? Some people who are younger than me have started their careers, have a solid idea on what they want to be in the next 5-10 years. I don’t. Well, I I used to have them, when I was 17. But 5 years later, today, have I achieved those dreams? If I did, what’s next? If I didn't, what should I do?

I’m going to have my internship in a month but I’m not ready to meet new people. I feel like a wallflower these days, I’ve changed. Can an extrovert turn to be an introvert? Yes she can. I prefer it that way these days. Because I’m done with all the critics. But people are gonna judge me anyway. I’m tired of keep making new friends when my old friends would leave me. Or it’s me who left? But a college mate once told me, as you grow older, you would lose your friends, but never forget to have networkings. Maybe I should stick to that. 



I’ve never been given the freedom that a 22-year-old woman should get, but I shouldn’t let that be something to stop me from doing things I love. What do I love? I don’t know. I like photography but there’s always a negative competition, disgusting vibes that people have against me when I only take pictures because of my love for it, not for praises. 

I like dancing but someone told me it’s so inappropriate for a hijabist to dance. Haha, my life is like the story of the donkey, the father and the son, right? Maybe I should tell everyone to mind their own business and stop telling people what they should do with their lives. 

Pathetic Aliah needs some help and love.


Comments

  1. Don't be like me. I gave up on my dreams.

    I hate what I'm studying although it's what I aspire to study and strive in career-wise since I was 13. I stopped debating because I felt like I wasn't good enough, so I gave it up entirely. Everything I do is not perfect or not up to my/other's expectation. As much as they say they don't care about perfection, we all know they always turn to the perfect all close-to-perfect ones.

    I cared too much about what other people think, it made me insecure about my work, my performance and myself. It crushed me in an out. I crave for human interaction but I'm mostly cooped up in my house, watching Youtube videos or read blogs because I'm so scared to get out of the house. Social events or going out aren't fun anymore because there's always a possibility of me having a panic attack.

    Do what you like. Don't let them stop you from doing what you want and love to do. You want to dance? Go and continue record yourself dancing because I love watching it on Instagram. You want to be an introvert/extrovert/ambivert? Do it. Because there are times where we want to be reclusive and there are times we want to be social. And there are times we want to be both.

    Some relationships end and some don't. I feel sad too when me and a close friend grew apart but you have choice to either mend it or leave it be. It's up to you.

    Don't be like me, Aliah. You have so much potential. Don't let anyone else get in your way to do the things you like. Yes, you may not know what you love but isn't that why you started trying out different things? Because you wanted to know what you love?

    Don't give up, love. You can do this. Have faith in yourself.

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    Replies
    1. Got myself teared up reading this. Thank you so much, Yaya! I miss those conversations we used to have when we were in high school. I hope you're doing well in Australia now :) T
      Thank you for giving me hope. I hope you too, won't give up on your dreams!!

      Take care!

      xx

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