I smile to hide my pain


A girl came to me, mentioning how I always smile to people.
It got me thinking.

I laughed over the smallest things, I tried cracking jokes in my head just so I can laugh at myself.

I got the anxiety attack,  for approximately twice per week, which is a big improvement.

Am I happy? Am I not sad anymore?

The truth is, I'm trying to hide all my pain with my smile and laughter.
I keep telling myself that everything is gonna be okay, I can do this, I am a strong girl,
I keep telling myself that no one should know how sad I can be.

If you saw my instastory, I mentioned about my maternal grandfather  (Atuk) who was hospitalized last week.
And the week before, my paternal grandfather (Tok Abah) was hospitalized.
Friends were asking about how did everything happen, I explained but I looked so calm like nothing ever happened. 

But today, as I'm writing this, I couldn't hold back my feelings anymore.
I feel so sad when all of these happened, one after another.

I have 7 documents to write by Thursday, 2 lab reports due this week, 2 midterms and 2 assignments;
all of the workloads are enough to keep my mind occupied.
I don't think or worry too much about what's happening back home because I have other things happening here, in Montreal.

Yesterday, I received another message, my maternal grandmother was admitted to the critical ward,
because she has lungs infection, kidney failure, something wrong with her heart and her brain doesn't function well. She's diagnosed with so many diseases, that the doctors don't even know what medicine to give her and how to treat her, to begin with.

Tok Abah is still unwell and Atuk's condition is getting better but he's still weak.

At one point, I told myself to stop worrying, leave everything to God, if worse things happen to them, I have to be mentally prepared, because everything happens for reasons and there will be a better place for them in the afterlife. But at one point, I keep praying to God so I can get another chance to greet them, kiss and hug them. But God knows better.

I remember while working in the lab, I just inserted a totally wrong reading to my excel sheet because my mind wasn't there. When people tell me not to be stressed out about school stuff, I can. But all other things keep bugging me and I just have no words to describe to anyone about my feeling.

I don't feel lonely, I don't feel like I'm always alone,
I have great friends around, but sometimes, I just feel like
the moment I start explaining the whole situation that I am in,
I feel sadder. So I rather keep this to myself.

I've blogged about my worries, and it's true I feel sadder.
I'm crying as I'm writing this.
But after this, I have no reasons to cry anymore.

Back to being the girl who always smiles :)







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